Emily Frieze-Kemeny | CEO and Founder of AROSE Group | a leadership consulting firm that bridges humanity and profitability. Access the original Forbes article published via the Forbes Business Council.
After two decades of working in leading companies as the head of leadership development and coaching countless leaders, I can tell you unequivocally that leaders tend to struggle the most with managing “difficult people.”
Before we get to the power of reshaping our dynamics with said “difficult people,” we need to first have a moment together. Managing difficult people is incredibly hard on us. It is completely normal to feel frustration, disappointment, exhaustion and even anger. Often, the “difficult people” remind us of other people in our lives, triggering our wounds and old stories.
You might fantasize that the person quits, and you are freed from having to deal with them. You might be replaying your interactions with them over and over, even when you should be asleep or present with your loved ones. Or you might be struggling to make it work with this person, given their expertise, while they continuously undermine your leadership and push back on your feedback.
So, let’s start with some hope. This will get better. How do I know? Because at my firm, we have helped thousands of leaders navigate these dynamics, and we have managed them ourselves as leaders. With the right mindset and strategies, we can shift the relationship and regain agency over these tough people management dynamics.
Here's our road-tested methodology for managing difficult people. Think of it like a checklist to move through.
1. Establish clear, measurable performance expectations.
If you are thinking, “What do I do? I have already been working with this person for a while, and I missed this step,” please don’t worry. It is never too late to set clear expectations. You can’t hold someone accountable for performance if you haven’t provided clarity on the performance expectations. You might start with, “Let’s find some time to step back and discuss your role, responsibilities and performance expectations.” Have them document what you discussed so you both have it to reference.
2. Use an Attention, Interest, Connection (AIC) approach.
While avoiding the person and the tough conversation might be an appealing option, unaddressed issues only get worse, and they don’t just impact you and the person; they tend to negatively impact the entire team, too. Make the time to meet with the person and say something to the effect of:
• “I want to share some feedback and some observations about your role and your impact because I care about your success.”
• “I am going to share some feedback, and then I am going to give you time to share your perspective, and I am going to just listen.”
Stick to facts and things that can be observed. Keep bringing the conversation back to these. And avoid labeling the person, telling them how they feel, or making assumptions on intentions. Examples of language to avoid: “It seems you don’t care about…” “You are not self-motivated.” “You intentionally…”
3. Acknowledge feelings.
It is hard to shift the relationship if the person doesn’t feel seen and heard. And acknowledging someone’s feelings and their perspective is not the same as agreeing. You might say:
• “I appreciate you sharing your perspective.”
• “I hear that this has felt hard for you.”
• “I’m sorry you are feeling this way.”
Hold the space for them to have their feelings. Then, circle back to the performance expectations. You can even share how it has been hard for you too. “I have been feeling frustrated…”
4. Hold multiple truths.
While we don’t want to be naïve and think that everything will be resolved, we can hold space for multiple truths. Your team member’s perceptions are their truth. And it is possible that we might learn something about ourselves and how we can shift our approach by listening to them deeply, no matter how hard it might be.
5. Observe from the balcony.
Because our feelings and potentially even our reputation at work are involved, it is hard not to get emotionally swept up into the dynamic. We can metaphorically “move to the balcony,” a place of observation. Think thoughts like “I am noticing that this person thinks this is my fault” and “I am noticing that they are very upset and deflecting.” This helps us resist becoming a character in their story. When we get pulled into their story, we think thoughts like “How dare they say it is my fault” or “I can’t believe they spoke to me that way.” Don’t take the bait. Stay out of the story so you can observe and, from that place, see all the possible ways to respond with skill and grace to navigate the dynamic.
6. Activate the power of the team.
Last but very much not least, lean into developing the health of your team. You are less likely to get stuck in these one-on-one negative dynamics when you have a strong and collaborative team. Effective teams with established behavioral agreements, role clarity and performance expectations tend to self-regulate, making it more difficult for someone to act out or underperform for long.
While these are the situations that make us long for the days of being individual contributors, please know we are all in this together. Use this checklist as a guide to help you keep moving to a place of greater comfort and clarity. You've got this!
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